absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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