Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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