so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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