I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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