Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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