I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
