i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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