Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
