Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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