I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
