you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
