i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
