I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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