Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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