saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
me + whiskey = a bad person
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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