And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I need a burrito and a hug.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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