I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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