did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
