I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
