im holly from the hills drunk
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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