Dual....:-)
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
