the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
