If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize