Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
