So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
