That's when you crack a 10am beer
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
