She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
