his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
