btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
