i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
