So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
