So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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