I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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