Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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