It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
