I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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