Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
