when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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