So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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