I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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