dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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