the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
