Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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