he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
