You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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