Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
