Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
FUCK WHALES
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
