Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
