life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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