It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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