Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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