Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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