I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
