I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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