Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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