life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize