You smell like a Billy Joel song
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
