there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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