My sheets look like a crime scene.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
