Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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