There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
